So the mourning period is over, and I'm actually doing a lot better than I thought I would be.. As I look outside and the snow is quietly hitting the ground, and ruining the rather productive day I thought I would be having, I sit and reflect on the what 09 may bring. Marcus was a great guy, and I had a lot of great times with him, but I'm just tired of waiting and can no longer do such. I am officially back on the market, but I'm taking it extremely slow. Don't want to be back in this position in 3 or 4 months. I'm just gonna take my time.....

In other t, who knew that the BGC forums were so damn addictive! I LOOOOVVEEE them... They've really helped me keep my mind off of my situation, and sharpen my whit!

Call Me Now

So.... I'm going on the road with Ms. Cleo because I am now a psychic. Yesterday, I posted that my relationship was on the rocks and not soon after, Marcus came over and I got the news. He said that he couldn't be with me because "i want kids and a family and everything that goes along with it. and this whole lifestyle is wearing me out." I'm very angry now......

The Honeymoon is Over... Honey

Ok, So I know I've been coming with a lot of random stuff lately, but hopefully this'll be the last before I can get myself together.

Sooo... me and Marcus have been through some things that I've never even disclosed on the blog. Partly because I really haven't had the time to write it; partly because I haven't had the heart to write it; and partly because I don't know how to describe it. I don't say that in negativity though... it just is what it is. All I can say is that I love that guy though. I love the way his head is a shape that I've never seen before. The way there is no differentiation between his claves and his ankles (cankles). The way his crooked smile looks like a kid's smile. I don't know. There's just so much history jam packed into the 2 and half on and off years we've shared and it's hard to let go. He was like my first everything, and that's just not something I take lightly. But nonetheless, I'm feeling some type of way.

Last week we had conversation. I was kind of depressed because I felt like I don't have any friends. Sure, I have homeboys and homegirls, but it seems like everybody has that go to girl or guy that they can just bear all with, and that is just not the case with me. I'm always left either to journal, blog, or just keep inside what I'm feeling; and that's a lot of times. So, I figured I would talk to him about it. I don't know... he basically said that, I needed to be more comfortable with myself before I can want friends, I should stop worrying about having friends, etc. etc. and I was just kind of pissed off about the whole situation. I kinda felt like he was setting aside my feelings like I was a child or something. But then the convo turned into this whole "I think you need to grow up" conversation. He basically said that to be with him, there was some growing up I had to do because he was so goal oriented and so prepared for his future that he didn't want to be carrying around any foolishness. I was pissed off to say the least. I mean, I'm pretty damn grown. I'm 19, about to be 20. Moved out of my parents' house at 18, working a very stable job, making good money (even have some in savings), I'm pretty stable minded, goal oriented, etc, etc. I would say that maturity is not something I lack in. Apparently, he thinks differently.

So since last week, I've been feeling some type of way. Maybe, it's just me being self conscious, but I've felt like the "I love yous" have been 1/2 assed, the kisses have been a chore, and I feel like we are just going through the motions.

I feel like we're on our last leg.. honestly. And I don't know where that feeling is coming from.. for y'all that have been in a failed relationship before, have you ever felt that dark cloud of breakup looming over your head, and you just know that at any moment, God could open the floodgates and release a Herculean storm on your relationship. That's how I feel, and I do not have my umbrella and my rainboots.

Who knows. Maybe it's just me, but time will definitely tell. I need a jumper cable for my relationship asap or i'll be tying a white flag to the antenna and waiting for AAA to come tow it to the junk yard.........

WTF?!

Circuit City is closing??? ummm.. can you say "liquidation"??





?

Andy Warhol said this, and...

I appreciate it....

"What's great about this country is that America started the tradition where the richest consumers buy essentially the same things as the poorest. You can be watching TV and see Coca Cola, and you know that the President drinks Coca Cola, Liz Taylor drinks Coca Cola, and just think, you can drink Coca Cola, too. A coke is a coke and no amount of money can get you a better coke than the one the bum on the corner is drinking. All the cokes are the same and all the cokes are good. Liz Taylor knows it, the President knows it, the bum knows it, and you know it."

Also, who knew you could watch movies online with a netflix subscription?

analog tv new yrs and resolution and Judge karen autosave

So I'm looking at my blog like "DAMN! I haven't posted since December 14th?!" I'm sorry y'all. Let me first wish you a Merry belated Christmas and a very Happy New Year. I hope everyone's holidays were safe and nice. I personally ATE MY ASS off this holiday, and I have absolutely no regrets about it. So let me give a brief recap of my holiday and then I'll get to some other random madness.

So Christmas morning. There was a lot ofo craziness leading up to this point. Marcus had to do some time because he didn't go to a court date that was supposed to be changed. It was just a whole lot of crazy shit because the police came to his grandmother's house looking for him and all this shit. It wasn't good at all but he got out on Christmas Eve and everything was all good nonetheless. We went to Towson Town Centre and did some shopping. Because of the fact that the city of Baltimore had him in custody he hadn't done ANY shopping.. what a mess. So we did that, and then we went to this hibachi place that was like amazing. Now his birthday is on Christmas, so I was in there causing a scene and telling all the people that it was his birthday and I had all the people singing happy birthday to him. He was pissed lol.

So we get home, and I helped him wrap his gifts, and then we did the things that couples do ::wink:: and it was really nice... REALLY nice. Now I'm a morning person and he is not so I was up all early on Christmas and this nigga didn't wakeup til noon. When he woke up I sang my best version of happy birthday, and then I gave him his gift. It would've been gifts.. but I'll get to that in a moment. I got him this really nice graphite damier canvas Louis Vuitton wallett from Chevy Chase. He LOVED it. He also LOVES the converse brand, and on any given day, if you see him and he's not at work, he'll more than likely have converses on (although I have gotten him hooked on Jordans now) , so I went on the site and custom designed him some converse and I put his name on the back.. But I STILL haven't got those whores yet! He'll get'em when I get 'em. Now he got me a Tiffany & Co cuff that I really wanted and these Jordans... I love them and I love him lol. After that I just went over my parents' house and I ate and ate and ate and played with my siblings and ate some more. It was wonderful.

Now FF to New Years.. Not too much to say about that. I ended up going to church for the watchnight service. It was really great. I always feel like church is a great way to start the year off. Now in regards to my resolutions, I have decided to watch my mouth better and expand my vocabulary. My mouth is terrible and the "F word" just FLYS out of my mouth, so I've GOT to do better... It's just not right. Also, I recently had a convo with Darius about one part of our relationship. Marcus likes to eat, and I like to eat, but I don't cook and he does. But he hates cooking. SOOO my other resolution is to start cooking more. I've decided to cook at least twice a week. Since that decision, it's been going pretty well. I've successfully made scrambled eggs (lol), bacon, baked salmon, fried green beans, cheddar biscuits, and lasagna, and actually they've all been pretty well.

In other T, I'm trying to decide what I'm going to do about this switch to Digital television. I have an old ass 19' television with an antenna that allows me to watch Steve Wilkos and Jerry Springer JUST FINE DAMNIT! I suppose the only choices that I have are 1) buy a new digital tv 2) get cable 3) buy one of those bootleg ass converter boxes.. idk.. help me out yall.

Did I mention, I love these ladies? Judge Penny reminds me of Dorinda Clark Cole

Soooo

It's Sunday night. I'm in the bed watching Street Kings with Marcus. I do not want to go to fuckin work in the morning. And I shouldn't have to. Come January 1 when my leave starts over again, I will be effin M.I.A.! And that's that!