Ok, So I know I've been coming with a lot of random stuff lately, but hopefully this'll be the last before I can get myself together.
Sooo... me and Marcus have been through some things that I've never even disclosed on the blog. Partly because I really haven't had the time to write it; partly because I haven't had the heart to write it; and partly because I don't know how to describe it. I don't say that in negativity though... it just is what it is. All I can say is that I love that guy though. I love the way his head is a shape that I've never seen before. The way there is no differentiation between his claves and his ankles (cankles). The way his crooked smile looks like a kid's smile. I don't know. There's just so much history jam packed into the 2 and half on and off years we've shared and it's hard to let go. He was like my first everything, and that's just not something I take lightly. But nonetheless, I'm feeling some type of way.
Last week we had conversation. I was kind of depressed because I felt like I don't have any friends. Sure, I have homeboys and homegirls, but it seems like everybody has that go to girl or guy that they can just bear all with, and that is just not the case with me. I'm always left either to journal, blog, or just keep inside what I'm feeling; and that's a lot of times. So, I figured I would talk to him about it. I don't know... he basically said that, I needed to be more comfortable with myself before I can want friends, I should stop worrying about having friends, etc. etc. and I was just kind of pissed off about the whole situation. I kinda felt like he was setting aside my feelings like I was a child or something. But then the convo turned into this whole "I think you need to grow up" conversation. He basically said that to be with him, there was some growing up I had to do because he was so goal oriented and so prepared for his future that he didn't want to be carrying around any foolishness. I was pissed off to say the least. I mean, I'm pretty damn grown. I'm 19, about to be 20. Moved out of my parents' house at 18, working a very stable job, making good money (even have some in savings), I'm pretty stable minded, goal oriented, etc, etc. I would say that maturity is not something I lack in. Apparently, he thinks differently.
So since last week, I've been feeling some type of way. Maybe, it's just me being self conscious, but I've felt like the "I love yous" have been 1/2 assed, the kisses have been a chore, and I feel like we are just going through the motions.
I feel like we're on our last leg.. honestly. And I don't know where that feeling is coming from.. for y'all that have been in a failed relationship before, have you ever felt that dark cloud of breakup looming over your head, and you just know that at any moment, God could open the floodgates and release a Herculean storm on your relationship. That's how I feel, and I do not have my umbrella and my rainboots.
Who knows. Maybe it's just me, but time will definitely tell. I need a jumper cable for my relationship asap or i'll be tying a white flag to the antenna and waiting for AAA to come tow it to the junk yard.........