Friday, February 29, 2008

I Asked But Nobody Responded

So last post I asked if I could do a sex post but noone except for my girl Jasmin from "Divalicious Opinions" said yes, so she bought the farm for everyone and I'm writing it. To be totally honest, I would've written it anyway because of 2 reasons. 1)because everyone should know about this 2)I haven't written a sex post in a long time 3)this is my blog :) (ok I changed it. 3 reasons)

So of course before I begin, I throw a disclosure out there before I write something of a explicit subject matter. If you are uncomfortable with anything of homosexual sex or sex in general stop reading now..... ok now................... ok for real now.................. aight. I warned yo asses.

So I was a little antsy about writing this, but I figured if it was out of line one of my peers would tell me how wrong I am and I'll write a public apology.

Anyway, as some or all of you may know, Jared has a problem with being on the receiving end of anal sex. This isn't the first time that I've written something about it but it surely won't be the last. Now, despite all the problems that I have, it still never fails that I either have the urge to do it, ot someone has the urge to do it with me. This wouldn't be so much of a problem if those people didn't have like Goliath-esque penises : (.

Currently, the "penis" that I'm trying to "conquer" is that of 6'4. I talked about him like a couple weeks ago, and yes we're still communicating, but instead of us being in a boyfriend/boyfriend relationship, it's more of a "I'll call you when I want my ass ate out, you call me when you want your dick sucked" type thing. I guess the good thing about it though is that neither one of us feel pressured to do anything or make the relationship something that it's not. Also, neither one of us are involved with anybody else.

So just as a clarification.. his dick is really big, and my asshole is, well, really not.

I tried everything to "warm myself up" if you will for that big ass piece of meat. Dildos, lube, "anal exercises", etc etc. None of which worked.

So I went to a LOVE ONES store in my area and got some help from Dottie (I doubt that was her real name). I told her about my little issue and she introduced me to the world of butt plugs. But plugs are these cone shaped objects that are meant to give pleasure anally and to stretch the anus (there's actually a whole article about them on Wikipedia... who knew?)

So Anyway there these "anal stimulants" in all shapes, sizes, and colors as you can probably guess if you're in a sex toy store.

I just bought a plain one that was not super big and not super small and of course a coniderable amount of lubrication (WET Platinum).

All I'm going to say is, if you have anal sex and haven't used a butt plug, please purchase one.

I had the BEST orgasm that I have ever had (by myself or with someone else) and I even think I'm ready to face the giant. : )

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Fine Liqeour

Ok so last night at around 1130 I was driving home and when I was trying to enter my neighborhood, this guy was walking through the entrance so I couldn't drive through.

At first, I didn't pay ol' dude any mind, but then I realized that this wasn't just any dude. He was a very well dressed, handsome, COLD dude (it was 24 degreeslast night). Anyway, I just drove on past and minded my own business as I turned on to my street.... but then I felt bad. So I whipped around and rolled down the window and was like "Dude, are you ok?" He turned around and was like "My car broke down and I'm walking to the gas station" so I responded "Get in, I'll take you."

::Ok I know what you're thinking, he coulda been a serial killer or a rapist, but hey he had a nice face::

So, anywho, dude gets in, and I'm driving to the gas station and rapping each other up: What's your name? Where you comin from? You don't have a bigger coat? You were going to try to make it all the way to Baltimore with no gas?? You're 21? etc etc

So we get to the closest gas station which is literally 1 minute driving from my house. We get there, but sadly the gas station was closed, so we had to go to the gas station that's like 7 minutes driving (imagine if he had to walk that far right?) Let's call him FL (Fine Liqueor).

FL got a gas canister and filled it up and on the way back to his car he couldn't be more thankful, and when we got to his car and filled his tank up with the gas he just bought, he even tried to take me to an ATM machine to take his damn money. Of course I declined, but then he asked me if I'd setle for dinner.

Hell yeah! I LOVE free food. Me and FL have a date! Is that wrong?

::Question of the Day::
Can I write a sex post in a couple days?? My eyes were opened to something last night... : )

Monday, February 25, 2008

A Brief Update

Ok, first of all, special and many thanks go out to everyone who was thinking about and praying for my family the last couple days. My dad is out of the hospital and is doing well... ummm a little too well actually. It's like the man never learns. The doctor told him he could come home but some diet changes would definitely be in order as well as regular exercise. Yeah ummmm.. Last night he snuck out to get Popeye's.... I'm over it.

With all the foolishness regarding my dad's health on Saturday night/Sunday morning, I felt the best way to cope was to treat myself to a little retail therapy. And that I did. I bought a few pairs of cute work slacks and a melon colored cardigan from Express and a couple Oxford style ties. I also had a field day at Wal*Mart and bought some little important things that I'll need for my crib (paper towels, Windex, broom, candles, shower liner, etc...).

Then, me and my mom's friend went to Ikea and I bought a cute dining room table and some other little decorative items that will spice my place up a little bit. I had a really good time doing that cuz it gave me a lot of really good ideas on how I wanted to decorate and what color schemes I wanted to use... And I bought a cart-load of stuff but I only spent $76 (including my table).... Only thing is, I have to find some nigga to putt it together for me, because I simply just will not, ok?!

I went to the apartment Saturday afternoon and got to take a look at my actual unit. Maintenance had pretty much finished cleaning up after the previous tenant, so I finaly got the key to MY unit. As soon as I got in, the clothes INSTANTLY came off and I danced naked for 15 minutes... then of course, I walked out that bitch like nothing happened.

Things are shaping up nicely, and my countdown is getting shorter and shorter. I wish March would hurry up and come...

Oh and by the way. Thanks so much to everyone that bought me something on the registry... Greatly Appreciative ok!? Expect to get some kind of correspondence from me within the next few weeks.

Question of the Day ::drumroll::
Who's buying Janet's CD "Discipline" tomorrow?... not me!

Saturday, February 23, 2008

I Won't Complain

So, I was gonna write a complaint post about some bullshit service I got at Jiffy Lube earlier and the long ass time I spent at the DMV, but I won't.

I'm in a hospital waiting room right now, and I just wish I wasn't.

After a long day, I am totally spent. About 2 hours ago, I was lying in the bed preparing for at least 9 or 10 hours of deep sleep and textin Darius about grocery shopping I did earlier until I heard my dad scream out in pain.... Chills just shot down my fuckin back.

He was in the bathroom throwing up, so I threw my phone down and ran down to the bathroom and opened the door and when he looked up, I was in utter shock. I have never seen such a dark skinned man look so pale.

I ran and got my mom and we immediately called 911. In the 15 minutes it took for the ambulance to get to our house, it was like a nonstop vomitfest for my dad. He just kept saying "my side feels like it's on fire. my side feels like it's on fire."

I didn't cry cuz I had to be strong for moms.... we were the only ones in the house coincidentally.

Finally, the ambulance got to our house, and they got Pops on a stretcher and sped off to the hospital. I followed.

Now, I'm in the waiting room. All my siblings are all here (my one sister came from the club... needless to say, if Daddy saw her, he would het out of the bed and whip her ass... I just wanted to be like "Well I see the ho train has arrived"lol.

We have some information but not all. Dad has 2 kidney stones and him vomiting was his body's way of breaking them up. All the vomiting caused such a strain on him that he had a very very minor heart attack.

As many problems or differences me and old pops have, I love him. I really do. As more info comes, I'll provide it. In the meantime fam, pray to whoever you call God and get my dad out of this hell


Thursday, February 21, 2008

Movin' On Out

Hey good people!

Sorry about the little break I took. Things have been a little bit hectic this last week or so with my move and everything. My thoughts are going all over the place as I write this, and I just can't help but smile.

This time last year, moving out was just a whim of my ever active imagination, and now, it's an ever present, forthcoming reality. It's reall kinda crazy.

Here's a brief little update.

The one apartment that I wrote about previously; the one I was supposed to move into with super cheap rent didn't actually come through for me. I can't quite remember what it's called, but it was one of those apartment complexes that the government runs, and the people that live there can't make above a certain amount of money... Well I didn't know that, and sadly... I make too much money to live there... That's ok, fuck them! lol

So after I found out that apartment wasn't for me, I didn't get too discouraged, I just kept on pressing.

I looked for apartments in Howard County (too expensive, but also too small) Baltimore City (real cheap, real dangerous ::no shade::), Montgomery County (cute area, but too far from home and work), Anne Arundel County (where I live now, but about $200 more dollars than I was willing to pay).

I was running out of choices, that is until I went to Baltimore County. Baltimore County is a pretty good mix of bustling city life and the quietness of the 'burbs. There're enough Blacks to feel at home, but not so many that one would feel uncomfortable. And, the White population is pretty visible.

After thorough examination at some of the apartments in the area, I realized I wasn't getting far. Either the apartment was too close to the the highway or too far. Either it was right on the street or too secluded in the forest. Either the rent was too high and no utilities were paid (not even water) or the rent was just right and everything was paid, but the WHOLE APARTMENT was the size of my bedroom at home... : (

Well, I finally found one! Woodridge Apartments! They had a mixture of everything I was looking for. It's literally down the street from restaurants, carry out places, grocery stores, barber shops, the mall, video rental stores, etc, etc AND they pay my water and gas... all that + the amazing walk-in closet (which is just big enough to house my 3' tall picture of Audrey Hepburn) = a very happy Jared!

So it's settled... I paid my security deposit yesterday and my move is on the 1st (cuz I get the first month free)...yaaay free first month!

Now that's all the good and dandy stuff, but there is the other side of course. Ok, like my budget is alloted out to the last brown cent, but I'm a little nervous. What if God forbid an emergency arises and I can't pay my bills. What if I get laid off? I'm moving from a full home to an empty house, and what if I get lonely? IDK, all negative thoughts, but valid ones I suppose.

So anyway 93.4685946276497% of me is super excited about the move, so now all I have to do is get furnishings and different lil things for my lil place!.... Speaking of which, with the help of my most favoritest uncle, Uncle Cocoa ( I finally completed my Housewarming registry on!!! Yaaaay me! Now I don't know exactly when my housewarming party will be, but I figured when everyone comes for the blogger reunion, we may be able to meet at my new pad for a few drinks or somethin'... the fridge will be full of Grey Goose! yaaaaay Grey Goose!

So anyway back to the registry (hint hint)... If you go to and click on the wishlist link, and type in my name (Jared Shanklin ::with a k::) you'll see my wishlist for like April 10th. There's another one for a Jared Shanklin but I don't even know who that is, cuz I didn't make that one. Everything on the list is under $30, so if you find it in your heart to buy me something, please please please please please email me with your name and what u bought and your mailing address so I can send you a personalized thank you card.

I guess that's it for me.
Love you lots!

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Do You Take This Man

So, I know I left you guys hangin' yesterday without much detail about the whole doing something with married men thing, but I'm here to clear that up.

I've had 2 experiences with married men. One of them I'll talk about today, and the other one I'll talk about at a later time because I'm not too sure how I'm going to do it yet... bear with me.

Experience number one... This guy I work with (married, 23, 2 kids) named "David" is real cool. We met when I first began working at my current job. We don't have really anything in common (except the fact that we're both cute and that we both have a Clark Sisters obssession).

Sooo, David (allegedly) had a crush on my best friend Tiffany and he was always talking to me about her, and saying all the stuff he would do to her. NOw I know what you're thinking... "Hey wait! I thought he was married!" Yeah well he can blow that out of his asshole... Apparantly him and his wife are separated. Something about them getting married at 18 and making decisions too fast.

A couple months later, we still haven't had much conversation... just the exchange of the occasional pleasantry and a few words here and there about gospel music... That is until Tiffany calls me and is like "David asked me for your number and I gave it to him." WTF!!?? why would you do that?

So sure enough David texts me within the hour saying the ever intelligent greeting: "Sup"... I respond back.. "who the fuck is this?"... to which he responds "such dirty words coming from such a pretty mouth"... to which I respond "fuck that. who in the hell even is this?". Finally, he tells me who he is, and we embark on some kind of convo that I was actually very bored with until he was like "you have a sexy ass, Tiffany showed me".


A few weeks before, I sent a picture of my ass to Tiffany telling her to pucker up and kiss it... She had said somethin' smart. That picture was for her to kiss, and discard, not to show all my co-workers. WTF!?

So anyway.. FF>> about a week. Me and David had become a litle more friendly... Pictures had been sent. Gropes in the work washroom had been executed, promises of sexual pleasure had been exchanged, and it was kinda cool, cuz I knew in the end, no feelings would be involved, and no strings would be attached (at least on my end anyway)because after all, he was married...

Well, these intimate exchanges went on for about 5 days, and I was all set to just let him "blow my back out", that is until he sent me a 2 page e-mail (over the work e-mail) about how he couldn't do anything with me because God would not be pleased, and if he continued down this "destructive road" he would "be cast into the lake of fire" and it would be disrespectful to his wife, and how he is not nor has he ever been gay, and how he is sorry to lead me on... BLAH BLAH BLAH FUCKING BLAH!!!

Yeah well needless to say, that's over. Now, I will say, as dirty as it may be, had sir David not went on his holiness trip, I still probably would've fucked him, but because that page of my history is closed, I will let my vibrator do all the work... he treats me better anyway.

The funniest thing off all though, is when I changed shifts at work, we got the same supervisor, so now we sit right next to each other. Can you say awkward?? Well not for me, because I continue to wear tight pants to work, and I STILL switch up and down the aisles, more than likely better than his wife ever could...

Would you do anything, relationship or sex with a married person? If so, what situations are and are not kosher? If not, why wouldn't you?(cuz I bet the farm, if Dwayne Wade's ass wanted some, drawers would be dropped all over the nation:: wait isn't he getting a divorce too? oh well)...

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

So ummm...

So ummmm yeah ::clears throat::.... is it bad to have sex with a married man? lol.. Just asking...

BTW, does anyone have a valentine this year? I have a position available for anyone who wants to apply...

Friday, February 8, 2008

Aaaaah Friday....

So it's Friday at last and I'm so very excited that it is. Today is PayDay as well, which is also an excellent. Now the majority of this check is going to my security deposit and my first month's rent and cookware and some other odds and ends (my move date is officially April 1st by the way), but I'm still super happy that I'm on the fast track to being on my own.

Today, I'm also graduating from my transition class at work. Transition is like the time that you're really on the phones all day, but you're still being monitored kinda heavily (I'ma customer service rep for a big cell phone company. I'm the one that listens to customer complaints about their bill, phones, service, etc... all day long).

Well after today, I'l be officially embedded in the company, which also means, that I'll be eligible for that great overtime that my company offers. I've already signed up for Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday! (What?! A bitch has to get some furniture and shit!)

Aaaah Friday! I hope everyonr enjoys their weekend... I know I will be. Have fun skiing without me Uncle Cocoa. Hey Fuzz! QueerKid, answer yor damn phone! What's going on Branden?

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Karma is the Bitch of all Bitches

So... It's like the circle never ends; You do something wrong to somebody and that shit comes back on your ass. The fucked up part about it though is that, when the proverbial "shit comes back on your ass" you don't even know what it's for.

I guess I should begin the story, so ladies and gents, here goes.

About a month and a half ago, this guy hit me up on BGC with like all these private pictures, and he was just the typical internet scrubs that they can make it in this male-dominant, visually stimulated community without showing face. So anyway, dude is like "wassup shawty, u real sexy blahzay blahzay blah... I'll see you at work tomorrow"...WHOA WHOA WHOA! HUH? I'll see you at work tomorrow? HWHAT?

So at this point my mind was racing trying to figure out who this dude was... I responded to him saying "ohawright, that's cool... have I ever seen you before?" to which he reponded "probably not, I work on the other side of the building".

Basically, our conversation went like that until finally, he opened his private pictures. Now, he was correct, I had never seen him before, but oh was he fine.

Next day, dude(let's call him 6'4).. walks by my cube and winks at me... oh, to relive that moment. I felt like a stupid school with her first crush. That's kinda how I've been feeling with every new guy I deal with after my bounce back from Leroy.

So anyway, we start talking on the regular for a few weeks, and before you know it, I was actually starting to like this 27 year old, 6 foot 4, bald, dark chocolate piece of testosterone charged and infused man. Yeah, I said it: 27. Moving right along.

6'4 called me about 3 weeks in to our cute little situation and was like "Look, I'm really starting to get attached to you. I like your personality your wit blah blah blah... The only thing is, you're young. You're almost 10 years younger than me, and I've never dated this young. If we start dating, I want you to be straightforward and honest with me. I wanna be with you for the long run. I don't want you to play games with me because I'm too old for that and blah blah fuckin blah...

I agreed to all his terms and conditions and was very happy that somebody else finally understood what I was looking for and mirrored it. Somebody Gets It!

After that, I was kinda sprung. I have to admit. I was thinkin' about all this cute stuff we could do on Valentine's Day and his birthday and all this other cutesy shit (by the way, this is sooo rare because I am by no stretch of the imagination romantic or "lovey dovey").

So then the inevitable happened.... I spent the night. Yes it was the inevitable. I went over there on a Friday night, and that was one of the best Fridays ever. I left work at 7 and when I got to the door, he was already cookin... This man can burn. He made salmon steaks with greens and brown rice... the hungry bitch within came out really fast! We just ate and watched movies all night and laughed and talked and hugged and cuddled and shared. It was wonderful. (oh yeah and we had sex too. the sex was good too. I mean good. Like real good. A little painful, but good.)

Saturday morning, he cooked again. Morning after sex breakfast is always the best breakfast, cuz the munchies are bad as a muhfucka. He made bacon and eggs and biscuits and potatoes and we ate these popsicles that I called 'liquid crax' because they were so damn addictive.

That day we watched some more movies and had some more great conversation, and I was just content that this was the best weekend I had had in a long while. We talked about everything, including the problems me and my parents were having and stories about my car and even that I didn't go to my prom.

After that, I fell asleep, and when I woke up, 6'4 had on a long sleeved button up and some dress pants (I'm still in my tank top and boxer briefs mind you), so I asked him where he was going. Get this guys. He told me he wasn't going anywhere, but he was taking me to the prom I never had. He put on some slow jamz and we just danced the entire night away and I just cried and cried(and then I "lost my virginity on my prom night" lol)

This guy is great right? And that's not even all. Because my car is new and I hadn't received my registration, I didn't have my validation stickers on my license plates, therefore my car got towed. Now this happened that Friday night but i didn't realize it until Saturday night when I was getting ready to leave. To get my car out of the tow lot, it cost $220, but I only had $100 at the time. 6'4 gave me the remaining $120 and even told me I didn't have to give it back to him! Like, where did this guy come from??

I got home and went to sleep really happy about my weekend and when I woke up Sunday, I called him up to tell him so. We didn't talk much Sunday though, because he was working some overtime so he was busy, but then came Monday.

Monday 6'4 called me and was like "We need to talk". So I'm like "about what?". Then he proceeded to go into how he was still feelin his ex and how I reminded him of his ex but I was no substitute and he was trying to make me one, and how he was reaally sorry and all this other stuff.....

So now I'm pissed and I'm ready to put on my silver wig and my white contacts and go Storm on his ass.

But then I got to thinkin'. I can't be mad at him because of how he feels, cuz that's how he feels. I'm just mad that he had this whole conversation with me about being mature and not playing games and not leading him on, but then he turned right around and did everything that he asked me not to do... which is also why I was thinking "is this karma coming back on me for something? what the hell did I do?"

This is also why I posted that "Don't YOu Hate It When..." post. But ultimately the funny part is... he's still calling me asking me to hang out and fuck...I'm like bitch, ask you're ex! Like what the fuck? Am I like some blowup doll or something that you just call when you need to bust?? Aaaabsolutely not. At this point, I wouldn't even piss on him of he was on fire, and the wrath of Jared Abraham Shanklin scorned is second to noone's.

I think I'm going to become a lesbian....

Monday, February 4, 2008

Tee Hee, Giggle Giggle....

Sooo, that's how I'm feeling right now, and I've actually been feelin' that way for the entire weekend.

First, Friday was absolutely wonderful because I signed the lease for my first apartment! Ever since I've been back home from my brief kickout last year, I've felt like a caged bird, and trust, this bird ain't been singin'. So, about 3 and a half weeks ago, I began my apartment search, scouring any apartment books, websites, Pennysavers, and college roommate ads for something I could call my own. I visited apartments, townhomes, and even student apartment complexes within the county, Baltimore city, and even so far as Randallstown, and Prince George's county (I know my out-of-state readers are lost as hell... just know these places are kinda far).

Last Thursday, I was looking at this nice ass complex called "The Forest" in the county (aka the suburbs), but those evil whores wanted $876 for a studio apartment which is not only out of my price range, but also totally unacceptable considering the apartment was the size of a toddler's penis with NO utilities included AND no central heating or air conditioning.... a mess.... Sad thing is, this was pretty much the going rate at all the complexes I had visited within the last 2 weeks, so discouragement began to set in like gangrene.

That is until I was on my way home from "The Forest" and I saw a complex called "The Villages". Aaaah the Villages, what a breath of fresh air... I walked into the leasing office and sat in the office (a process that was really beginning to piss me off...) and I spoke with Ms. Barbara. Ms. Barbara was this middle aged, heavy set, kinda earthy woman with this cool ass orange lipstick with finger nail polish to match (tackiness at is finest : )... sorry ms b.), with these beautiful long locks. She greeted me and I told her that I was looking for an affordable, quaint studio apartment with a window or two. She had me fill out a welcome card and asked to see my ID (another mundane process that was making me nauseous), and we were on our way.

Ok, so she takes me to the door of my soon to be dream studio and when she opens the door, I asked for a broom and dustpan so I can pick up as many broken pieces of my face as possible. If the other apartment was the size of a toddler's penis, then this apartment was the size of a mosquito's penis (and that's when it's on soft.) As soon as I walked in, I was in the kitchen, bathroom, and closet; all at the same time... no shade.

I took a look at Ms. Barbara and I suppose my face said it all because those lips with that orange lipstick cracked into a smile and she said "I thought you would feel this way; Let's see if we can find you something bigger"... uh duh!

Let me reiterate: I am just south of 6' and my collection of size 11.5 Nike Dunks wouldn't even fit in this apartment, let alone my tall ass...

So next, Ms. B takes me to this absolutely gorgeous 1 bedroom place on the second floor and I instantly fell on love. It has a nice living room (so Uncle Cocoa can do his coochie coochie dance), an eat-in kitchen (where Darius can make me fat) and a spacious bedroom (where all the magic and wonder that is me and Idris Elba naked happens)... I was already sold... ::record scratches; back 2 life and reality:: I'm like "Uhhh yeah Barb, this is all nice and good, but bitch, how much is this muhfucka gonna cost me??" and she's like "$644 with water paid for. All you have to worry about is rent, electric, and gas"

So yeah, ummmmmm.... when I woke up from the shock of it all, I snatched that damn pen out of her hand so fast that like 4 of her dreads fell out and I don't even think I've ever signed my name that fast...

It's done!! So my tentative move date is somewhere between March 1-15th.... so I should be moved in and comfy by the time the blogger reunion rolls around... teehee.. the excitement of both my move and the reunion is making my arm twitch lol...

And shit! That was only Friday! So you know that set the tone for the rest of the weekend!

I spent some of Saturday with Leroy, and I felt really good and warm... I couldn't help but reminisce on days gone by. We went out to eat and I don't think I've ever eaten like a fatter bitch in front of him than that night lol. "Truth Is" by Fantsia flooded my mind as we kissed and departed, and on my way home, I just sang it and cried a little bit... "Truth is, I never got over you. Truth is, wish I had a new pair of shoes, and when it's all said and done, yes I'm still in love with you...."

Yeah, it was nice to put my "Niggas ain't shit!" attitude on the backburner and show some emotion and vulnerability.. Leroy if you're reading this, you already know...

Anyway, Sunday was cool... I ate ALL DAY! (somebody get me an EPT)... Church was cool. Target was cool. The game was cool. Everything was just cool.
Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

I guess that's it for me... Shout outs to Darius (hows LA boo?) and Fuzzy (another church boy that I adore)


P.S. how bout them Giantz huh? and that damn halftime show was absolutely terrible... ever since Janet flashed her damn titty, the halftime ain't been right.... Thanks Janet. : (