By the tone of the post I wrote Friday, you guys could probably tell that I was in an upbeat mood. And I was. But not so when I got home!!! I don't know, something just made me upset when I crossed the line from outside world, to my house. I was SOOO depressed all Friday. I texted Leroy and told him to have a good day at work, and then I turned my phone off for the rest of the night. I just laid in my bed in complete silence, all night. No iPod, no TV, no books, just silence. I didn't cry, I didn't think, I didn't sing, I didn't laugh, I just laid there. My mom came in my room a few times to ask me if I was hungry, and to make sure I didn't kill myself. But I uttered not a word.
It wasn't until Saturday morning at around 10 am that I said to myself, "Jared, what the hell is wrong with you? Get the hell up and do something with yourself. You're hungry and frankly sweetheart, you need to take a shower. Now don't let me have to ask twice!" So...I got up, washed my ass, put on some "play clothes" and finished reading Waiting To Exhale by Terry McMillan (great book by the way). I called Queer Kid, and we talked for a couple hours. I talked to Leroy for a couple hours. I even showed my face to the family and made a sandwich! It was boring around the house though. There wasn't shit to do, so I decided to play my brother in a little Street Vol. 3 on Playstation 2 and show him who was the boss. That got a little addictive though, and when I finally looked at the clock it was like 9:30. I called Leroy and had him on the Bluetooth while I played Playstation. That's when my good day came to an end. My dad came in my room and was like, "What are you doing?" So I was like "Playin' video games." So then he was like "Give me your phone."...that was SOO unexpected, so I just gave it to him. In retrospect, he didn't buy me that phone and I pay my own bill, so I shouldn't have given it to him...too late now I guess. But anyway, I was like "Leroy, I gotta go, I'll call you back later" and then I hung up and gave my dad my phone. I was SOO pissed that I just unplugged the Playstation and went to sleep in my clothes. As I tried to get some sleep, I said to myself "Jared, you need to get out of this house. I don't know how, but bitch you need to think of somethin'. Your parents are crazy as hell, and another thing--" That's when my dad came back in the room and was like "I just talked to that Leroy Johnson person and I told him that if he ever had conversation with you, I will have him arrested"....WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!???? So that's when I was back to my depression induced stupor. I was so upset. I didn't cry though.
So then I woke up Sunday morning, actually feeling refreshed. As I was getting dressed for church, I put on my iPod and I was ROCKIN' in my pink boxer briefs, you hear me?! But then Rainy Dayz by Ja Rule ft. Mary J. Blige came on and I just broke the hell down. Like I cried. At first it was just one of those 2 tear cries, but then it turned into an all out boohoo, snot runnin', loud, eyes red and puffy, funeral cries. I was SO defeated. My mom came in and saw me like that and attempted to hug me, but I would not be consoled. I was thinkin' "BITCH you're the one that put me in this predicament!" But I just let her do the mother thing, and tried to get myself together before I had to go to church. I was fine on the way there, and fine on the walk into the church, but then I broke down yet again, as soon as I got in there. Oh Lord, big mistake....all the church members wanted to hug me and tell me that it was ok...umm..no bitch, it's not! So anyways, as church progressed, I got better and I slickly got out of church and called Leroy, and told him what happened, and that I loved him, and I would call him back as soon as shit cleared up.....COMMERCIAL BREAK: I love you Leroy.....Ok so anyway yeah, church let out and I went home and got BACK in the bed and the next time I saw the light of day was this morning...so umm....ta da!!! Here I am, lol.
So anyway, my parents have blown me to the point of no return andI don't know what I'm gonna do about my situation as of yet....but for Cocoa Rican's sake and for my own, I'm still smilin'! On a lighter note, one of my best friends, Valarie, saw Paris Bennett (American Idol Season 5) in concert on Saturday, and she thought about me! She not only got Paris's autograph for me, but she called me and put Paris on the phone!!! Let me just say, I am a star-struck BIATCH!!!! This is how our conversation went:
"Hi Jared"
"Oh my God, Paris I LOVE you to pieces! I can't believe I'm talking to you!"
"Thank you so much"
Then she put Valarie back on the phone...I was like, "Bitch, that's all I get?" But I am grateful nonetheless! Thanks a million Valarie..love you lots gir!
Anyway let me go, before I start cryin again and my tears get in my keyboard and short circuit the whole damn computer lol!!!! Just kidding, have a lovely Monday.
LOL...oh yeah, my dad still hasn't found his keys!! hahahaha what a loser! lol.
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The Same Ol' Me That I Always Was, Just 100000000000000x Better
9 comments:
Just browsed onto your page, and I must say I'm very impressed. Good luck with your home situation. And with Leroy ......
@ taylor...Thanks so much. It makes me feel good people are actually paying attention!! Umm...I would've emailed you this but I didn't know how to get in contact with you so...yeah, oh yea and if Leroy loves me as much as I love him, he'll be in it with me for the long-haul.
Hey Sweetheart...I'm sorry to hear what's happening at home. You parent's must be very scared to take such drastic steps. But you know you have people around you that love you...and when you're broke, no food, rent due, and life just seems like it can't get any worse they will always make sure you're ok.....mwah!
J, this will all be a memory soon. You’ll look back and smile to yourself at how ironic it all is…it’s just the way it is. The truth is pa, you do have a somewhat good situation and your parents have to be given a moment to cope as well. Hey, their baby is in their eyes different and may suffer for it… let’s think positively and the fact that they are trying to protect you. One thing my mom said that sometimes creeps up on me (in not such a good way) is the day she sat me down during a visit home (at about 17; remember, I left home at 15) and said, “The longer you stay in that lifestyle, the more impossible it will be for you to get out.” Basically what I associate it with now is the fact that the longer we’re around; the more people know who we are; and the less likely it is for us to live a lie. I reversed the negative connotation to it. You’re brilliant pumpkin…you’ll leave the patch soon and make for an incredible pie. LOL
Keep passin’ the open windows… and yes, even if it’s for me, keep smilin’! …at some point you’ll realize that your own smile will be that sign that says, “Pa, you really do have it good.”
Let's try this again... since blogger ate my comment a minute ago. Damnit, it used to be a dog that'd eat your homework, now it's a digital dog.
I second what Cocoa Rican said. While it is messy and crazy, your parents do love you (if they don't, and anything like my mother, you would've been on the street right now). Coming out is never easy, but hey, you have people around you that care a whole lot, if this blog is any indication. :) Hang in there.
I say to let your Dad know that it was his sperm who made you this way. You didn't choose it. He made ya and please accept me. And remind him every chance he bugs you that IT WAS HIS SPERM THAT MADE YOU!!!!
goodluck :))
OMG Jared, I love Leroy too.
Gosh your fudging parents are getting on my motherfudging nerves. They lucky they republicans. Or I would have gone down there myself and had a lecture with them.
I second what the others said. Your parents do love you and you should be able to see that despite what they are doing now. They are honestly just scared of what may happen to you and are probably not sure of how to handle the situation.
Let them know how you feel and what's on your mind. If you keep the lines of communication open to your parents, they will understand how you feel a whole lot better. That will make life easier for you and for them.
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